I have a video interview coming up and I planned on sharing all of this then (what a fun way to shock the crap out of everyone, right?) God prompted my heart to share it now though so here I am…writing at 3am.
I use to be bisexual. But make no mistake… it wasn’t during times like now where alternative lifestyles are embraced and celebrated. Although not that long ago, it was still during a time in which it was technically acceptable, but still very complex (at least for me, anyway). If you were bisexual or gay it was kind of a big deal. Word spread like wildfire and you were instantly looked at differently. I attended a LGBT support group and went to gay clubs. It was absolutely thrilling meeting others like myself. I didn’t feel so alone in the world anymore. It was hard feeling like I was a prisoner and somewhat living in secret (it was really hard, actually). I mean hello! I was a woman who was attracted to other women. My experience was not like that of those who get drunk and make out together to attract guys or even those who go through phases while embarking on sacred journeys to “find themselves.” Nope, I was emotionally connected and emotionally invested in other women. In fact, I was involved with a small handful of women over time and the relationships we shared felt… well, natural. They seemed more natural than my relationships with men, believe it or not.
I remember looking at happy gay couples and wondering to myself how great it must feel to just be “free”. I perceived them as bold and courageous. I envied them.
I remember my walks from the bus stop to my school in downtown Pittsburgh as I noticed the women along the way more than I noticed the men.
I remember cheating on my ex-boyfriend with a girl and him being so angry and heart-broken. Oh the drama.
I remember asking people “how could being gay be wrong if God is love?” Of course I never told them I was asking for personal reasons. I always knew in my heart that God existed, but I didn’t get the Bible’s obvious stance on this one. Maybe I just didn’t want to.
I remember having a conversation with someone about whether or not gay people are born that way and them making the interesting point: “many serial killers are born the way they are too.” Granted, they are two completely different things, but it still made me think.
So yep, I remember all of it.
At one point, I planned on coming out to my parents. I knew they wouldn’t mind much (if at all), but it was still a terrifying thought. Before I got to that point, I met someone interesting. This person was a Christian and he really radiated Christ’s love …like big time, real deal stuff. I was sexually abused as a child, as a lot of homosexuals were. Not saying they all were, but based on what I’ve heard during my time in the gay community, there’s definitely a significant amount of both men and women who were violated as children. Therefore, I do believe there is often (again, not always) a connection between sexual abuse and the lifestyle. Anyhow, due to my own victimization, I subconsciously struggled with trusting men. I remember a friend once asking me why I crossed my arms every time her husband came into the room. I hadn’t even realized I did that by habit. It was a psychological way of covering myself up…of protecting myself, I suppose. So, when I met this particular Christian, he didn’t look at me the way other men did all my life. He was concerned about my spirit and he was bold enough to make that known. There was no reason to cover myself up or wonder about his hidden motives. I saw Jesus in him and I felt, for lack of a better word, safe. It inspired me to get to know God for myself on a very personal level.
As my walk with God progressed, He showed me that my life and desires were in fact, sinful…as ugly and as harsh as that may sound. He showed me that it wasn’t just about what the bible says on the matter (although that’s enough), it was also about reverence and respect for His design. It was about me needing to trust the fact that He would help me overcome not only this, but everything in my life that didn’t honor Him. The more He revealed, the more faith I had that He would transform my heart completely. Over time, that’s exactly what He did (along with thousands of others who share this same experience). The amount of testimonies of those who’ve left the gay community due to God performing a miracle in their heart, is overwhelming. The irony is, many of them were way more engulfed in the lifestyle than I was and yet they now proudly follow Christ as they live their new, more abundant lives (lives they never dreamed were even possible). Another common factor among them? They all say they knew deep down in the pit of their souls that something was off about the way they were living. I can relate. Even though it felt natural and like I was just “being myself”, there was still an uncomfortable feeling that I just couldn’t shake.
Truth is, I believe I would have eventually ended up with a woman long term. In the depths of my heart, that’s what I truly wanted back then. It was only a matter of time before it happened. When I share that with people, I often explain it as feeling like God yanked me backwards by the collar. It was similar to how you’d yank a child back who is about to walk into the street. His timing was just way too precise. Had I stayed on that path, I wouldn’t have my amazing and wonderful husband (who I love more than life itself). Nor would I have my tender-hearted, hilarious and sassy children; Children who are my world…children I’m grateful we were able to create, together. A beautiful testimony of life and love lives within their little smiles. Our entire family is my greatest gift from God. We aren’t perfect, as no one is, but I love who we are together.
I still love gay people too. Just ask those who I spent the late nights with in the gay clubs. They’ll tell you. Because of everything I just shared, I have a particularly soft spot in my heart for them. It infuriates me when “Christians” push them away through hate and judgement. We are called to judge those in the church in order to keep one another accountable, not those outside of it. Our job is to love homosexuals and exemplify Christ in the same way the friend I mentioned above, did for me. My husband enjoys a song in which the rapper says “I apologize for Christians with pickets sayin’ “God hates fags”, I promise Jesus wouldn’t act like that.” No my friends, he sure wouldn’t. As the old and true saying goes, God hates the sin, not the sinner. Sin separates us from Him more than what we realize, especially sexual sin. Although, all forms of sin hold us back from all the amazing things He wants us to experience in a life that comes only by living for Him. There’s so much more out there people…so much more than meets the eye. Be careful not to take everything at face value, especially here in America. Grab your shovels and dig deeper so you can experience the real treasures. We will never know what all He has for us if we don’t take the time to dig for it…
Gay, straight, Black, White, Christian, Atheist, Democrat, Republican …whatever, I love you all so much. That’s why I write these posts (for free, at that). As many of you know, I’ve been through a ton of struggles in my life. It’s only by God’s grace that I’m still here. Throughout that particular time of my life, the most important thing I did was maintain an open mind and a receptive heart. I asked questions in search of the truth and I didn’t mock or bash those who believed homosexuality was wrong. Our culture promotes the importance of open-mindedness all the time so I find it ironic that it all of a sudden doesn’t apply when it comes to the fact that general society could actually be wrong. After all, we are just mere humans living in a seriously fallen world. We need God. Abraham Lincoln once said “My concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God’s side. For God is always right.” Preach it, Abe.
As silly and as absurd as this may sound to some of you, the devil is very real and there is nothing he and his demons love more than taking something God created and distorting it. They also enjoy influencing others to twist scripture in order to justify their own sins. It’s a dangerous and sad thing when this leaks into church leadership and unfortunately, that’s very common today. If people only knew just how active Satan really is…
Know today that God’s heart is for you and so is mine. Actually, I prayed for you before I even posted this. He knows every person that will read it, I don’t have to. Maybe I’ll know one day in Heaven, maybe I won’t. Nevertheless, it’s not by chance that you are here in this moment.
Be blessed and encouraged, my sweet friends.
With more love than you may ever know,
The bible is rich in powerful wisdom, beautiful analogies and inspiring stories that help us better understand God’s character and successfully grow in the midst of life’s ups and downs. There’s a plethora of scriptures that tie into what I shared today and usually, I leave a list following the post. However, I encourage you to look them up on your own this time and pray for a deeper understanding. Ask God to help you see the world through His eyes. We think we know what’s best for ourselves in our little human and limited brains… but He is our creator. And trusting Him is the most liberating feeling in the world.