I Use To Be Bisexual

I Use To Be Bisexual

I have a video interview coming up and I planned on sharing all of this then (what a fun way to shock the crap out of everyone, right?) God prompted my heart to share it now though so here I am…writing at 3am.

I use to be bisexual. But make no mistake… it wasn’t during times like now where alternative lifestyles are embraced and celebrated. Although not that long ago, it was still during a time in which it was technically acceptable, but still very complex (at least for me, anyway). If you were bisexual or gay it was kind of a big deal. Word spread like wildfire and you were instantly looked at differently. I attended a LGBT support group and went to gay clubs. It was absolutely thrilling meeting others like myself. I didn’t feel so alone in the world anymore. It was hard feeling like I was a prisoner and somewhat living in secret (it was really hard, actually). I mean hello! I was a woman who was attracted to other women. My experience was not like that of those who get drunk and make out together to attract guys or even those who go through phases while embarking on sacred journeys to “find themselves.” Nope, I was emotionally connected and emotionally invested in other women. In fact, I was involved with a small handful of women over time and the relationships we shared felt… well, natural. They seemed more natural than my relationships with men, believe it or not.

I remember looking at happy gay couples and wondering to myself how great it must feel to just be “free”. I perceived them as bold and courageous. I envied them.

I remember my walks from the bus stop to my school in downtown Pittsburgh as I noticed the women along the way more than I noticed the men.

I remember cheating on my ex-boyfriend with a girl and him being so angry and heart-broken. Oh the drama.

I remember asking people “how could being gay be wrong if God is love?” Of course I never told them I was asking for personal reasons. I always knew in my heart that God existed, but I didn’t get the Bible’s obvious stance on this one. Maybe I just didn’t want to.

I remember having a conversation with someone about whether or not gay people are born that way and them making the interesting point: “many serial killers are born the way they are too.” Granted, they are two completely different things, but it still made me think.

So yep, I remember all of it.

At one point, I planned on coming out to my parents. I knew they wouldn’t mind much (if at all), but it was still a terrifying thought. Before I got to that point, I met someone interesting. This person was a Christian and he really radiated Christ’s love …like big time, real deal stuff. I was sexually abused as a child, as a lot of homosexuals were. Not saying they all were, but based on what I’ve heard during my time in the gay community, there’s definitely a significant amount of both men and women who were violated as children. Therefore, I do believe there is often (again, not always) a connection between sexual abuse and the lifestyle. Anyhow, due to my own victimization, I subconsciously struggled with trusting men. I remember a friend once asking me why I crossed my arms every time her husband came into the room. I hadn’t even realized I did that by habit. It was a psychological way of covering myself up…of protecting myself, I suppose. So, when I met this particular Christian, he didn’t look at me the way other men did all my life. He was concerned about my spirit and he was bold enough to make that known. There was no reason to cover myself up or wonder about his hidden motives. I saw Jesus in him and I felt, for lack of a better word, safe. It inspired me to get to know God for myself on a very personal level.

As my walk with God progressed, He showed me that my life and desires were in fact, sinful…as ugly and as harsh as that may sound. He showed me that it wasn’t just about what the bible says on the matter (although that’s enough), it was also about reverence and respect for His design. It was about me needing to trust the fact that He would help me overcome not only this, but everything in my life that didn’t honor Him. The more He revealed, the more faith I had that He would transform my heart completely. Over time, that’s exactly what He did (along with thousands of others who share this same experience). The amount of testimonies of those who’ve left the gay community due to God performing a miracle in their heart, is overwhelming. The irony is, many of them were way more engulfed in the lifestyle than I was and yet they now proudly follow Christ as they live their new, more abundant lives (lives they never dreamed were even possible). Another common factor among them? They all say they knew deep down in the pit of their souls that something was off about the way they were living. I can relate. Even though it felt natural and like I was just “being myself”, there was still an uncomfortable feeling that I just couldn’t shake.

Truth is, I believe I would have eventually ended up with a woman long term. In the depths of my heart, that’s what I truly wanted back then. It was only a matter of time before it happened. When I share that with people, I often explain it as feeling like God yanked me backwards by the collar. It was similar to how you’d yank a child back who is about to walk into the street. His timing was just way too precise. Had I stayed on that path, I wouldn’t have my amazing and wonderful husband (who I love more than life itself). Nor would I have my tender-hearted, hilarious and sassy children; Children who are my world…children I’m grateful we were able to create, together. A beautiful testimony of life and love lives within their little smiles. Our entire family is my greatest gift from God. We aren’t perfect, as no one is, but I love who we are together.

I still love gay people too. Just ask those who I spent the late nights with in the gay clubs. They’ll tell you. Because of everything I just shared, I have a particularly soft spot in my heart for them. It infuriates me when “Christians” push them away through hate and judgement. We are called to judge those in the church in order to keep one another accountable, not those outside of it. Our job is to love homosexuals and exemplify Christ in the same way the friend I mentioned above, did for me. My husband enjoys a song in which the rapper says “I apologize for Christians with pickets sayin’ “God hates fags”, I promise Jesus wouldn’t act like that.” No my friends, he sure wouldn’t. As the old and true saying goes, God hates the sin, not the sinner. Sin separates us from Him more than what we realize, especially sexual sin. Although, all forms of sin hold us back from all the amazing things He wants us to experience in a life that comes only by living for Him. There’s so much more out there people…so much more than meets the eye. Be careful not to take everything at face value, especially here in America. Grab your shovels and dig deeper so you can experience the real treasures. We will never know what all He has for us if we don’t take the time to dig for it…

Gay, straight, Black, White, Christian, Atheist, Democrat, Republican …whatever, I love you all so much. That’s why I write these posts (for free, at that). As many of you know, I’ve been through a ton of struggles in my life. It’s only by God’s grace that I’m still here. Throughout that particular time of my life, the most important thing I did was maintain an open mind and a receptive heart. I asked questions in search of the truth and I didn’t mock or bash those who believed homosexuality was wrong. Our culture promotes the importance of open-mindedness all the time so I find it ironic that it all of a sudden doesn’t apply when it comes to the fact that general society could actually be wrong. After all, we are just mere humans living in a seriously fallen world. We need God. Abraham Lincoln once said “My concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God’s side. For God is always right.” Preach it, Abe.

As silly and as absurd as this may sound to some of you, the devil is very real and there is nothing he and his demons love more than taking something God created and distorting it. They also enjoy influencing others to twist scripture in order to justify their own sins. It’s a dangerous and sad thing when this leaks into church leadership and unfortunately, that’s very common today. If people only knew just how active Satan really is…

Know today that God’s heart is for you and so is mine. Actually, I prayed for you before I even posted this. He knows every person that will read it, I don’t have to. Maybe I’ll know one day in Heaven, maybe I won’t. Nevertheless, it’s not by chance that you are here in this moment.

Be blessed and encouraged, my sweet friends.

With more love than you may ever know,
Natasha

The bible is rich in powerful wisdom, beautiful analogies and inspiring stories that help us better understand God’s character and successfully grow in the midst of life’s ups and downs. There’s a plethora of scriptures that tie into what I shared today and usually, I leave a list following the post. However, I encourage you to look them up on your own this time and pray for a deeper understanding. Ask God to help you see the world through His eyes. We think we know what’s best for ourselves in our little human and limited brains… but He is our creator. And trusting Him is the most liberating feeling in the world.

 

2017-10-19T03:01:46+00:00 30 Comments

30 Comments

  1. Arlene October 18, 2017 at 12:48 pm - Reply

    What a great and vulnerable post! Thank you for being courageous enough to share it with the world. I believe God has given you a voice/ministry for this community as you yourself have experienced the lifestyle. To Him be the glory in your testimony!

    • Natasha Grantz October 18, 2017 at 1:49 pm - Reply

      Thank you so much! I believe He has too… I have such a burning passion for it. May He be GLORIFIED! <3

  2. Amanda October 18, 2017 at 1:39 pm - Reply

    I appreciate your strength and openness. I pray that I may have more strength to write about my trials and struggles. May your words touch the hearts of many that are lost and struggling in this world. I am going to continue to teach my children to “love the sinner, not the sin” as I pray daily for them to become, not conformers, but world transformers.

    • Natasha Grantz October 18, 2017 at 1:52 pm - Reply

      Thank you. If you are struggling with being more open, check out my post before this one. It’s about the importance of sharing. Ironically, I didn’t even plan on writing this one when I wrote that one. I was just going to talk about it in an interview lol. God turned that plan upside down!! I agree, its so important to still love the person. God’s love should be so ALIVE in us that it draws others in. Thank you for commenting!! <3

  3. Melissa October 18, 2017 at 2:11 pm - Reply

    This. Is. Wonderful! You touched on so many important points that I’m not even sure where to start. First, I’m a mental health therapist. I work with both believers and nonbelievers. My role is to show love, support, and be a guide through a person’s past wounds to have a better and more thriving life. It does not include judgement. It is so true that the vast majority of individuals who are a part of the LGBTQ lifestyle have either been the victim of physical and/or sexual abuse or neglect/abandonment from an important person of the opposite sex. This lifestyle then becomes a way to cover and handle the past wounds without actually processing and healing. Honestly, it saddens me to the depths of my spirit that people are not helping, loving, and supporting the pain that so many are experiencing but rather just encouraging the lifestyle. Thank you for your vulnerability! God bless you and this ministry that He has impressed upon you!

    • Natasha Grantz October 18, 2017 at 2:17 pm - Reply

      Melissa, your comment gave me chills. Thank you SO MUCH for this. There’s always so much more than meets the eye, but here in America, we would rather just say hey it is what it is. It breaks my heart into a million pieces knowing that people are missing out on so much. There’s a better life. And to some who say, God can’t just take that desire, it is to say He is not capable… and to say He is not capable is just silly. We say it with lips He created… we type it with fingers He formed. He is GOD. Thank you again so much for your very informative comment <3

  4. Keisha Russell October 18, 2017 at 2:35 pm - Reply

    This is an absolutely beautiful testimony of how God works in our lives. Thank you for being real, vulnerable and transparent in this post. We all have a past and we have all struggled with something in our lives, but we are all called to share in hopes of helping others. This post will indeed help many. I do not understand how anyone could judge or hate anyone if they call themselves Christians! We are called to LOVE..first and foremost. I love everyone, including the LGBT community. I do not care where you have been, what you have done, what color your skin is, or who you choose to love…I love all people. I just want to show Jesus at all times 🙂

    • Natasha Grantz October 18, 2017 at 2:57 pm - Reply

      Thank you for your comment, Keisha! I couldn’t agree more… we have to let God use all of it! ❤️

  5. Amanda Sowa October 18, 2017 at 2:59 pm - Reply

    Natasha, you never ceases to amaze me! Or shall I say God through you never ceases to amaze me! You’re so transparent and vulnerable. I love that! As Christians we struggle with our pasts, I know I do! I could write a book about the tangled webs I had woven! I listened to a sermon this morning. A husband and wife who struggled in there marriage shares there testimony. The part I embraced was that she said, Christians feel the need to show, “I have it all together and I’ve been this righteous all me life!” Really, we do no favors by appearing polished and perfect, to believers or non-believers! Our vulnerability is allowing Jesus to be our strength! I too was abused as a child sexually and I still battle the enemies lies, and I too struggled with promiscuous behavior that involved men and women! There I said it! It feels good to be vulnerable! I still work on my sexuality! For the first time in my life I have a husband who wants to be intimate with me out of his desire and love for me and I struggle! I feel like I was used and abused all my life! I used sex as a tool to “get high.” I don’t have to anymore and I have no idea how to operate in this reality! I refuse to allow the enemy to have a foothold! I pray for God to give me real, true, human desire as He created in me for my husband. In Jesus’s name I wait for fulfillment!

    • Natasha Grantz October 18, 2017 at 3:44 pm - Reply

      Thank you for opening up with me! I love what you shared about what you heard in the sermon. In my last post, I talked about how sometimes we are tempted to cover things up, but God wants to use everything. He brought me to a point where I’m just completely exposed and I’m loving it. There’s a special freedom and great fulfillment in this place. It makes me feel so alive and so much closer to Him.

      It’s sad how the enemy comes in and distorts our views for marriage. It’s a journey but as always, the victory is His!

  6. Jazmen J October 18, 2017 at 3:28 pm - Reply

    Thank you so much for this. I myself came out as bisexual in college, and it was exhilarating at the time. I had always been attracted to women and thought dating a women would be exciting and different. However, I never really got very deep into the lifestyle other than a few encounters. I think that was God’s covering over me. Although I was never sexually abused, I was definitely over-sexualized. As a millennial the internet, HBO, and media were far too easy to get my hands on as a curious kid. I am now married to a wonderful man. I think about that time in my life and I can’t imagine another woman being what my husband is to me now. I appreciate you sharing your story, I hope I have the courage to share mine one day.

    • Natasha Grantz October 18, 2017 at 3:39 pm - Reply

      Thank you for sharing this. I actually started to tear up as I read it! Satan uses sex A LOT, it’s his greatest tool. Its the only sin we commit against our own bodies, the bible says. Any time we are introduced to it prematurely, it always has an effect on us. Whether it be through media, abuse, whatever. They may be different mediums and have different effects, but there is always one. It’s sad how much things have changed over the years. So much is exposed on TV now days and theres such a universal hate and rebellion toward God and His holy and perfect ways.

  7. Thera October 18, 2017 at 4:24 pm - Reply

    I absolutely love how you worded this and touched on so many things.

    • Natasha Grantz October 19, 2017 at 1:32 am - Reply

      Thank you! I let the spirit lead me

  8. Amanda Sowa October 18, 2017 at 4:46 pm - Reply

    Jazmen J,

    Thank you for sharing! I like you never had a lesbian relationship, but a couple encounters. You’re story is powerful and healing. I pray you share it! Sexual sin is so rampant! I use to be so promiscuous (vulnerable, and transparent moment) I had multiple affairs while married. I would sneak out for the thrill of having sex in slimy hotels, alleys, and cars. Ugly and gross I know. I enemy tries to give me visual moments of memories of my past and it sickens me. I pray and ask God to cover that thought.

    Now that I am happily, faithfully marred to a wonderful godly man, and sadly I can’t stomach the thought of sex! Crazy huh!?? I trust God to walk me the rest of this journey through and help me experience intimacy the way He created it. All I ever experienced from the age 5 was an evil view of sex.

    Natasha, thank you for this timely story. I haven’t ever told anyone this ugliness. I also have been suffering from the lack of desire, and I haven’t been so honest about it. I finally connected it…with your help.

  9. Mihaela Echols October 18, 2017 at 7:11 pm - Reply

    Wow this is one of the most powerful posts I have read in a while. I am so glad I stopped to check it out in the Christian women bloggers unite group. You are right on. I had gay friends and gay siblings growing up. The root of their choice was sexual abuse. But God can move mountains and the mountains in our hearts. You are a testimony to that.
    https://hylaandpeterechols.com/2017/04/08/renovate-my-heart/

    • Natasha Grantz October 19, 2017 at 1:32 am - Reply

      Thank you so much!!!!!! And thank you for the link, I have to check your work out too <3

  10. Sophie October 18, 2017 at 9:20 pm - Reply

    Thank you beautiful Natasha! It is a privilege to know you and the work of Christ in you as you post. There is so much healing that takes place, not only for the readers, but for you as well. The overall piece reminded me how easy it is to become jaded or judgmental, especially in a society whose systems tell us to categorize, label, and judge. Sin is sin is sin, no matter the manifestation. We all fall short of the Glory of God, but sometimes when that message is preached all we can hear is the condemnation of the enemy we’ve picked up along the way via religion. Let your pen/keyboard flow, mighty woman of God!

    • Natasha Grantz October 19, 2017 at 1:31 am - Reply

      Yes, Sophie.. definitely healing for me too. In my 30 years on this earth, I have never felt as free as I do now. There’s a beautiful liberation that comes with being an open vessel and I feel so ALIVE when I talk about Him and His beautiful mercy and grace. Thank you for prayers… your pure love for Him is more of an inspiration to me than you know.

  11. Tammy October 18, 2017 at 10:12 pm - Reply

    I can’t pick a favorite part. There are too many….

    May this be used of God. Thank you for your honestly, and LOVE.
    My heart is touched. I am sharing on Grandma Mary Martha.

    • Natasha Grantz October 19, 2017 at 1:29 am - Reply

      You’re the best 😉 <3

  12. April October 19, 2017 at 1:00 am - Reply

    Love, love, love, love, LOVE this article, Natasha. God bless you greatly for answering His call to write about such struggles so openly, with courage, and most of all with His love. Thank you so much. This is so refreshing and I praise God with you that He delivered you!

    • Natasha Grantz October 19, 2017 at 1:28 am - Reply

      Thank you so much!!!! 🙂 <3

  13. Kate| A Hundred Affections October 19, 2017 at 1:42 am - Reply

    I admire your courage in being so vulnerable about your life- and I love how God transformed you and your commitment to truth! Jesus is amazing – how He loves us and is always reaching out to us. So glad you are able to use your experiences to show love to that community – I’m sure it means so much, coming from someone who has been there! Amazing testimony! 🙂

    • Natasha Grantz October 19, 2017 at 3:04 am - Reply

      Thank you for your encouragement. He is amazing for sure! I always wonder what it would have been like to be alive when He walked the earth… <3

  14. Tiara M., October 19, 2017 at 4:40 am - Reply

    Our “cyber meeting” wasn’t an accident. You are my “writing twin”! Thank you for sharing and confirming for me that transparency can be a beautiful and powerful tool of empowerment for self and others. I started second guessing myself wondering “did I put myself out there too much?” Through your post, I was inspired all over again to keep walking in the light, and allow the transparency to heal me…and in turn the power of God would be all the more apparent in my weaknesses 2ndCorinthians 12: 7-10.

    • Natasha Grantz October 19, 2017 at 5:01 am - Reply

      Wow I’m so blown away by God today!!! Words can’t even describe at this point just how good He really is! I am so encouraged by this comment 🙂 I know there’s a few people out there who don’t believe I should be this transparent but I also know there’s a devil out there who knows what happens when Christians are willing to be all in for God. Thank you so much for this. God bless you

  15. Holistic Favor October 19, 2017 at 9:59 am - Reply

    What a great read!
    Thanks so much for openly sharing your story and reiterating God is Love and wants to love one another. No matter.

  16. Nicol October 19, 2017 at 2:41 pm - Reply

    Thank you for not.being afraid to share your heat with us. What a pwoeful story! God bless you and your family.

  17. Rae October 19, 2017 at 8:11 pm - Reply

    Thank you for posting this! I could have writte it. Very similar to my life experience!

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Natasha Grantz